My 98-year-old grandmother is dying. We’ve known it’s been coming for a while, but I had no idea how strongly it would affect me. Even though I have a very strong belief in the transition out of the body, the limitlessness of our existence and the connection I will have with her when she’s gone, I had no idea how hard it would be for me to watch her die. It sucks and I have felt wrecked for a week while she’s been in hospice.
I have learned so much over the past few years and it all went out the window this week.
I was judgmental, mean, massively self-critical, critical of my husband, stuck in despair and very actively running away from my feelings. My mind would not shut up.
I had moments of deep peace, but I was so easily drawn back into the business of my mind. I finally let go and moved into acceptance this morning, but I was a sight for my higher self to behold. It amazed me that after years of practicing self-love, self-compassion, self-care and self-acceptance, it all seemed to leave me this week. What a great reminder of my humanity.
What I took away from this is remembering:
- I will never feel one way forever. I will never be stuck. Neither despair nor rapture lasts forever. Life is fluid. My emotions are fluid. Be with what is going on moment by moment; each moment passes.
- I can control how I choose to perceive something. When I was highly aware of my thoughts and reactions, I could actively choose to change them the moment I accepted that I was the one responsible for creating them.
- I, and most of us, are so hard on ourselves. We compare ourselves to others incessantly rather than valuing the beauty of our own feelings and experiences. I was caught comparing my own reactions to how I thought others would handle this situation and I was coming up short to my fictional illusion.
- The moment I leaned into the seeming chaos of my day-to-day, it got easier. The moment I stopped trying to hold it all together and maintain my desired status as the perfect mother, friend, wife, granddaughter, sister, colleague, coach, employee, (none of which I can ever be), I just allowed myself to BE.
- Faith is powerful. Reminding myself that I am supported and that everything is unfolding for me in just the right way for my own growth helped tremendously.
- This was a huge opportunity for awareness. It allowed me to use the teachings I’ve been studying firsthand. Bonus: I’m not judging myself for having gone through this. I will never judge being human and having human experiences. It doesn’t make me less spiritual for having lost my temper, wanting to run away or questioning myself completely. It’s part of my journey.
Feel free to watch the video. I’d love to hear your thoughts, comments or anything you found relatable or helpful. Thanks for reading and watching.
With so much love,